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here it, is your moment of zen. >> tonight i am going to tell you that jon stewart, because of what he did, is a racist. i don't believe that, but i'm going to tellcaptioning sponsory comedy central >> stephen: tonight, big news for wal-mart, not wal-mart big but big. and then animals respond to advertising. you know what they say? leg humping sells. [laughter] and my guest alexandra pelosi made a documentary about immigrants becoming u.s. citizens. i'm going to watch it backwards and make them all leave the country. [laughter] the pope wrote his first tweet today. he is truly the vessel through which god wastes time. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." ["the colbert repor captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause ) [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you very much. very kind. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, everybody. thank you for joining us. [cheers and applause] thank you so much. [cheers and applause] thank you, very kind. nation -- [cheers and applause] i don't know actually -- thank you, please, please. please -- i have to --
here it, is your moment of zen. >> tonight i am going to tell you that jon stewart, because of what he did, is a racist. i don't believe that, but i'm going to tellcaptioning sponsory comedy central >> stephen: tonight, big news for wal-mart, not wal-mart big but big. and then animals respond to advertising. you know what they say? leg humping sells. [laughter] and my guest alexandra pelosi made a documentary about immigrants becoming u.s. citizens. i'm going to watch it backwards...
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Jul 23, 2011
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my name is jon stewart. [cheering and applause] our guest tonight, a young man named scott miller. he is the author of a new book on william mckinley's ass. [laughter] i'm going to assume that is "assassination." you got to stop abbreviationing around here, not to say that william mckinley did not have a noteworthy rear end. folks, we are a mere 15 and a half months away from what will definitely be called the most important election of our lifetime. an inveritable herd of republican candidates have already begun the treacherous migratory journey to become their party's nominee. they will need strength. they will need agility. they will need luck. but mostly to survive they will need money, [bleeped] boatloads of money. >> we have the numbers behind you. mitt romney $18.4 million. pawlenty $4.4 million. bachmann the same. huntsman $4.2 million. herman cain raised $2.5 million. gingrich $2 million. rick santory um not so much, $500,000. >> jon: $500,000 in the war chest. buh-bye. [laughter] sadly, that image is still only the second most unpleasant image you get when you google the
my name is jon stewart. [cheering and applause] our guest tonight, a young man named scott miller. he is the author of a new book on william mckinley's ass. [laughter] i'm going to assume that is "assassination." you got to stop abbreviationing around here, not to say that william mckinley did not have a noteworthy rear end. folks, we are a mere 15 and a half months away from what will definitely be called the most important election of our lifetime. an inveritable herd of republican...
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Jul 15, 2011
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. >>> coming up, jon stewart cannot help himself. he cannot control his deep desire to make gay jokes about michele bachmann's husband. so he needs a therapist to help him pray away the gay jokes. that therapist is jerry seinfeld. you'll have that latest in the show. don't miss it. >>> and later, when republican house leader eric cantor says he will never vote for a tax increase of any kind, he is forgetting one little thing about his own record on taxes. luckily for him and the political media has also forgotten it, too. but i'll be reminding him and the political media of the day eric cantor voted to raise income taxes. that's in my "rewrite" tonight. 50 billion network devices will roam the earth. that's seven devices per person. this will change how we work in ways we've never before imagined. what do you need to secure your people, their devices, and your business? a network that can evolve and grow to protect your human network. ♪ [ male announcer ] the davis twins... ...are alike in nearly every way... ...right down to brush
. >>> coming up, jon stewart cannot help himself. he cannot control his deep desire to make gay jokes about michele bachmann's husband. so he needs a therapist to help him pray away the gay jokes. that therapist is jerry seinfeld. you'll have that latest in the show. don't miss it. >>> and later, when republican house leader eric cantor says he will never vote for a tax increase of any kind, he is forgetting one little thing about his own record on taxes. luckily for him and...
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Jul 7, 2011
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he did "the daily show with jon stewart" bakley he has mark zuckerberg on call. twitter is another reiteration, and obama knows that the youth live there. for 2012, the youth were a critical vote in the last election. >> the 2008 election. they were not so helpful last time. jonathan, look at this, 2008, 18% of voters were between 18 and 29. that hefty portion helped get this guy elected. they voted for president obama 66-32%. gaby giffords was on that twitter, and e-mail. that's how they communicate now, and now how they get news but get information from friends and relatives and everything else. he's going to voters to where they live. this is new in that sense and also old in a very important way. every president has tried to go around the filter, as president bush liked to call it, go around the filter of the mainstream media. bill clinton did it by going on hall and king, george w. bush did it by talking to regional reporters oftentimes, new president obama is doing it himself by going to facebook, by doing a twitter town hall. this is a way of avoiding, you
he did "the daily show with jon stewart" bakley he has mark zuckerberg on call. twitter is another reiteration, and obama knows that the youth live there. for 2012, the youth were a critical vote in the last election. >> the 2008 election. they were not so helpful last time. jonathan, look at this, 2008, 18% of voters were between 18 and 29. that hefty portion helped get this guy elected. they voted for president obama 66-32%. gaby giffords was on that twitter, and e-mail....
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. >>> and jon stewart has to bring in an expert to help him pray the gay jokes away. naturals from purina cat chow. delicious, real ingredients with no artificial flavors or preservatives. naturals from purina cat chow. share a better life. [ male announcer ] the davis twins... ...are alike in nearly every way... ...right down to brushing their teeth. so how did only one get gingivitis? well, one in two people do. so i told karen about new crest pro-health clinical gum protection toothpaste. it helps eliminate plaque at the gumline, helping prevent gingivitis. it's even clinically proven to help reverse it in just 4 weeks. and it protects these other areas dentists check most. looks like the twins are even again. new crest pro-health clinical toothpaste. life opens up when you do. >>> so the whitey bulger case is a federal case. so there's one guy who is hoping for a federal government shutdown so they can't bring him to trial and the prosecutors don't get paid. >>> still to come tonight, senator ted kennedy's campaign team from 1994 found a way to stop mitt romney co
. >>> and jon stewart has to bring in an expert to help him pray the gay jokes away. naturals from purina cat chow. delicious, real ingredients with no artificial flavors or preservatives. naturals from purina cat chow. share a better life. [ male announcer ] the davis twins... ...are alike in nearly every way... ...right down to brushing their teeth. so how did only one get gingivitis? well, one in two people do. so i told karen about new crest pro-health clinical gum protection...
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Jul 6, 2011
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he did "the daily show with jon stewart" bakley he has mark zuckerberg on call. twitter is another reiteration, and obama knows that the youth live there. for 2012, the youth were a critical vote in the last election. >> the 2008 election. they were not so helpful last time. jonathan, look at this, 2008, 18% of voters were between 18 and 29. that and 29. that helped get this guy elected. they voted for president obama 66 to 32% for mccain. in 2010, 12% of the voters were between 18 and 29, so they didn't lift their end and voted for democrats 55-42. narrow vote considering 2008, zwr jonathan, they didn't show up, but the big challenge is to get those numbers jacked up again to 2012 where you can have at least the same participation, will twitter help? >> of course, it will. this is where a lot of young voters get their news and information. they don't go to the driveway and get their morning paper, they are on their blackberrys, iphones, laptops, facebook, twitter, and e-mail. that's how they communicate now, and now how they get news but get information from fri
he did "the daily show with jon stewart" bakley he has mark zuckerberg on call. twitter is another reiteration, and obama knows that the youth live there. for 2012, the youth were a critical vote in the last election. >> the 2008 election. they were not so helpful last time. jonathan, look at this, 2008, 18% of voters were between 18 and 29. that and 29. that helped get this guy elected. they voted for president obama 66 to 32% for mccain. in 2010, 12% of the voters were between...
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he did "the daily show with jon stewart" bakley he has mark zuckerberg on call. twitter is another reiteration, and obama knows that the youth live there. for 2012, the youth were a critical vote in the last election. >> the the last election. >> in the 2008 election. >> yes. >> they were not so helpful last time. i want jonathan to get in on this. 18% of voters were between 18 and 29. that hefty portion helped get this guy elected. they voted for president obama 66-32% for mccain. in 2010, different story, both in the percentage of voters. just 12% were between 18 and 29. they didn't really lift their end. they voted for democrats 55-42. very narrow vote relatively speaking compared to 2008, jonathan. they didn't really show up. which doesn't surprise me. it's not a presidential year. but they need to get those numbers jacked up again where you have at least the same participation. will twitter help? >> of course it will. this is the way a lot of young voters get their news and information. they don't go the drive way and day and grab the morning paper. they are
he did "the daily show with jon stewart" bakley he has mark zuckerberg on call. twitter is another reiteration, and obama knows that the youth live there. for 2012, the youth were a critical vote in the last election. >> the the last election. >> in the 2008 election. >> yes. >> they were not so helpful last time. i want jonathan to get in on this. 18% of voters were between 18 and 29. that hefty portion helped get this guy elected. they voted for president...
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perfect time to roll out my new jon stewart brand speedos. >> if more states legalize gay marriage, god will destroy america. yeah, and then god will rebuild america into the greatest dance club the world has ever known. >> finally, new york state's gay and lesbian community are free from the burden that was having to set foot in connecticut in order to get married. oh. really? the nuptials are in stanford. hmm. >> anybody here for the gay pride parade yesterday? i went dressed as michele bachmann. >> michele bachmann said her home town of waterloo, iowa is the birthplace of john wayne when actually it's the birthplace of john wayne gacy. >> i think there is something to that. like gacy, people might think you're a clown if they dig a little deeper, they'll find that you are deadly serious. when you stumble on facts, don't get back into a corner. you double down. you say not only do you have the spirit of john wayne gacy, you've got the eyes of a young charles manson. >> john quincy adams most center was a part revolutionary war era. he was a young boy, but he was actively involved. >>
perfect time to roll out my new jon stewart brand speedos. >> if more states legalize gay marriage, god will destroy america. yeah, and then god will rebuild america into the greatest dance club the world has ever known. >> finally, new york state's gay and lesbian community are free from the burden that was having to set foot in connecticut in order to get married. oh. really? the nuptials are in stanford. hmm. >> anybody here for the gay pride parade yesterday? i went...
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. >> and finally, on this friday, let's end it with humor courtesy of jon stewart who offered the special take on a serious candidate tim pawlenty campaign. let's watch. >> well, let's see where governor tim pawlenty is. he has $4.5 million raised this quarter, but he struggles against the perception that he is -- former minnesota governor tim pawlenty kicked off three weeks of barnstorming in the anticipated fox straw poll with a warning that iowans should not waste their support on charismatic candidates who cannot win. >> ooh, tim pawlenty taking a bold stand against charisma. [ laughter ] hey, look, this is not a popularity contest. oh, it is? oh. >> will anyone in this field inspire the conservative voters or do we have the wait for someone like sarah palin or donald trum tp to have the charisma that jon stewart was f stewart. i think secondly, governor pawlenty has a point, we should be voting on records which means we shouldn't be voting for pawlenty. >> connie shorts on this hot friday. thank you very much. >> reporter: thank you. >>> now to the state of the american family and th
. >> and finally, on this friday, let's end it with humor courtesy of jon stewart who offered the special take on a serious candidate tim pawlenty campaign. let's watch. >> well, let's see where governor tim pawlenty is. he has $4.5 million raised this quarter, but he struggles against the perception that he is -- former minnesota governor tim pawlenty kicked off three weeks of barnstorming in the anticipated fox straw poll with a warning that iowans should not waste their support...
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Jul 14, 2011
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my name is jon stewart. we've got a good one for you tonight. my guest tonight author matthew richardson. he is author of a book about fannie mae and freddy imagine and -- freddie mac and why the two shu never have gotten married. republican michel bachmann has surged above president obama. the key to the success progrowth agenda, adherence to the founding fathers principles and something special. >> analysts say her uncompromising views on homosexuality are one of big reasons she's gaining traction in iowa. >> jon: what? why would iowans be so concerned about what happens three inches below the corn belt? [laughter] since the iowa supreme court legalized same-sex marriage in 2009 they've noticed real changes in the state's cash crop! [laughter] yes, their worst fears corn destroyed by a (bleep) playing. [laughter] a -- (bleep) plague. movie about iowa field of -- if you build it they will -- you know. [laughter] it's no surprising the message is resonating to conservatives there. unless you think she's pandering rest april sured she's be on thi
my name is jon stewart. we've got a good one for you tonight. my guest tonight author matthew richardson. he is author of a book about fannie mae and freddy imagine and -- freddie mac and why the two shu never have gotten married. republican michel bachmann has surged above president obama. the key to the success progrowth agenda, adherence to the founding fathers principles and something special. >> analysts say her uncompromising views on homosexuality are one of big reasons she's...
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Jul 2, 2011
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what jon stewart does have a problem with, is that herman cain is an american black conservative. you see, i left the democrat plantation a long time ago. whenever people get a chance to try to whip me back on to the plantation, and i won't go, they pl t
what jon stewart does have a problem with, is that herman cain is an american black conservative. you see, i left the democrat plantation a long time ago. whenever people get a chance to try to whip me back on to the plantation, and i won't go, they pl t
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Jul 15, 2011
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my name is jon stewart. we have a very special show, very special guest tonight. medal of honor recipient sergeant first class leroy petry will be joining us on the program tonight. we're honored. we begin tonight, of course, with the looming crisis. as you know, on august 2nd, if america fails to raise the debt ceiling, we default on our debt. people lose the capacity to love. [laughter] and animals lose the capacity to lick their own genitals. that's right. if we don't raise the debt ceiling on august 2nd, man will be sentenced to an eternity of licking our own pet's genital, because what would we really do? let them dry out? of course not. [laughter] so hopefully our president, barack obama, can in one swift rooseveltian "we have nothing to fear but fear itself" moment ease the american psychoi can. >> can you tell the folks at home that no matter what happens the social security checks will go out on august 3rd. >> i cannot guarantee that those checks go out on august 3rd if we haven't resolved this issue because there may simply not be the money in the coffer
my name is jon stewart. we have a very special show, very special guest tonight. medal of honor recipient sergeant first class leroy petry will be joining us on the program tonight. we're honored. we begin tonight, of course, with the looming crisis. as you know, on august 2nd, if america fails to raise the debt ceiling, we default on our debt. people lose the capacity to love. [laughter] and animals lose the capacity to lick their own genitals. that's right. if we don't raise the debt ceiling...
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Jul 21, 2011
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it's kind of funny, what jon stewart said. >> he is funny. what's your point? >> it's kind of not funny, too. seriously. >> it's fascinating. are you doing the reporting? >> i have been. writing a series of web pieces. this is just an epic story. the amount of headlines every day coming out of this story. this, on a normal day would be, you know, a month long story. every headline would have a long shelf life. yet, they keep coming. to me, the next step is what does this mean for the future of news corp. and rupert murdock. who is going to step in if there's a management takeover. >> you talked in your last piece that i read how this seems counter intuitive but it's good for roger ayles. >> for once, all the critics are not talking about fox. fox is not involved in this, as far as we know in the hacking saga. it's a legitimate business. what's going on with murdock's tabloid has nothing to do with fox news. >> explain how his enemy's within his family and news corp. are going up in flames now. that leaves ayles stronger. >> that's been roger's thing the whole t
it's kind of funny, what jon stewart said. >> he is funny. what's your point? >> it's kind of not funny, too. seriously. >> it's fascinating. are you doing the reporting? >> i have been. writing a series of web pieces. this is just an epic story. the amount of headlines every day coming out of this story. this, on a normal day would be, you know, a month long story. every headline would have a long shelf life. yet, they keep coming. to me, the next step is what does this...
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here is a mistake that jon stewart makes. he made a lot of good points. i think he made a lot of good points. but one point he repeatedly makes that is unfair, he takes the most unbalanced and unfair people in this filming and he slimes all of the fox news. >> he does that. >> and we let him do it. >> i said early, you keep it with me. this is the debate. comedy central doesn't have diversity of opinion. >> they are all that way. >> and here, there is gazil 81s of opinions from all sides which is why this is a vibrant network that wins. you are right. stewart tryied to put all of us in the jar, but he came in here and he was a gentleman about it and i respect that. >> i used to be a liberal and now i am a conservative. he is than most liberals. >> and he is funnier. >> best of the cultural warriors. >> these are not naked. they want you to wear sun block. >> and ed asener said he is a socialist and has thoughts on president obama. my doctor told me calcium is besabsorbed in small continuous amounts. only one calcium supplement does that in one daily dose.
here is a mistake that jon stewart makes. he made a lot of good points. i think he made a lot of good points. but one point he repeatedly makes that is unfair, he takes the most unbalanced and unfair people in this filming and he slimes all of the fox news. >> he does that. >> and we let him do it. >> i said early, you keep it with me. this is the debate. comedy central doesn't have diversity of opinion. >> they are all that way. >> and here, there is gazil 81s of...
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wouldn't you know, it jon stewart is watching. >> oh, lord. >> a weather phenomenon of extreme heat called la senaro. a weather phenomenon where the sun gets close enough to the earth to hug it. and then do this to it. but where we humans saw hardship, tv weather news people saw hot-portunity. >> can you cook eggs on the street. cook cookies on a dashboard. i'll taste the pizza. >> this guy may be eating pizza straight off of the sidewalk. but at least he didn't use a [ bleep ]. fork when we ate it. as long as i live, as long as i live -- you don't -- how dare you disrespect. you son of a -- >> kind of -- the new york morphed into a deniro. >> it is. >> brando. >> who made jon do that? >> so funny about that. it's not anything like -- he goes there more every time. >> he's being a real new yorker going after him. here it is. the donald -- we loved it. >> no, honey. >> no! >> he's very sweet. he's trying to be elegant. >> don't do that. >> a plastic fork. >> trying not to eat the bread. >> that's true. i do notice that. >> but he didn't eat the cheese off. you're supposed to take the cheese
wouldn't you know, it jon stewart is watching. >> oh, lord. >> a weather phenomenon of extreme heat called la senaro. a weather phenomenon where the sun gets close enough to the earth to hug it. and then do this to it. but where we humans saw hardship, tv weather news people saw hot-portunity. >> can you cook eggs on the street. cook cookies on a dashboard. i'll taste the pizza. >> this guy may be eating pizza straight off of the sidewalk. but at least he didn't use a [...